One Year Three Months

There's something I've learnt in these past few days:

For the past one year and three months:
I've been trying very hard to become someone I'm not.
Like my colleague told me : You need to fake it till you make it.
I know for sure I've made it,
because not did I fool everyone beside me,
I fooled myself.

But here's the thing:
I've always had this feeling that God really isn't that bad to me,
that all that happens, happens for a reason.
Even though I don't believe it all the time,
I keep having this feeling that he's trying to make me the person I'm supposed to be,
Not the person everyone thinks I should be.

The sad things is:
Everyone around me keeps telling me that I should do this,
and that.
But I finally realised yesterday,
it's not my fault that things happened the way they did.
It's not my fault people react to me the way they do.
This is all part of His plan,
to force me to become who I should be.

At the risk of sounding like a narcissist with a superiority complex:
I know now that I was not made for this.
That I have a higher calling than all of this.

The last time I had an "Ah-hah" moment was when I decided to do a one-month stint in Redang,
that turned out into a one-year-four-months stint.
Sure there were heartaches and stress,
but I never felt more alive.
And ever since then, I've always asked myself,
when my next "Ah-hah" moment would come along,
when it was right in front of me all along.

I promised myself I'd rethink my options once I finished my dreadful
mandatory 3 years of experience.
I never really got to it,
because I wasn't looking in the wrong direction.
All the opportunities I looked at were discouraging and disheartening,
I gave up after reading 2 or 3,
even though I kept telling myself I had to get out of my own vicious cycle,
but I never did.

But today:
I guess I'm right at the bottom with no where else to go but up.
The answer is simple:
I love the beach,
and I clearly don't like what I'm doing.
So the only way I can clear my head and think of my next move is to do a year away.
And where better to do it than in Bali.
So here's to finding my next stint.

And there's this thing with Ah-Hah moments:
Once you have it,
everything just falls in place.

So God,
I pray, and I hope.
Be kind to me this time around too.
Lead me to the path that I need to be on.

I've always known I was born to lead,
but it's impossible to lead,
when people will only allow you to follow.
So the only way is to find a path not taken,
and lead others on it.