Drama

The only way to forget your own real-life drama is to get sucked into someone else's even if it's make believe drama in tv sereies, or even a good book..as long as someone else's drama is more fast-paced than yours, you drama will seem less significant

Self-Actualizing

I learnt about this term during my first year in college. It was the one topic that kept me up all night, reading and reading... and reading. But of course, after all that reading, you'd expect nothing less of me than a distinction - and that's exactly what I got.

No, I'm not a psychology graduate, neither am I a psychology student.
I might have been one,
I would have been an awesome one, to boot.
But no, it wasn't in my cards.

So here I am...

I come from a very dark place..
So dark, I can still feel I'm not really out yet.
Darkness still lingers,
but at least I see the tiniest speck of light.

And that's how I got here.

I've not recuperated,
I've not rested.

But I'm mustering whatever energy,
hope,
spirit,
and life I have left,
to give it one last shot.

You see,
I don't give up easily,
but that does not mean I don't get tired.
I do,
in fact, I am.
But my one biggest fear in life,
is that on my death bed,
I'd have all these what-could-have-beens, and what-might-haves
flashing before my eyes,
and boy do I know for myself,
I have a lot.

So, dear speck of light,
please be kind to me.
Please be real.

On another note, I was just re-reading Maslow's characteristics of "self-actualizers" after almost ten years, if I thought I matched most of the characteristics then, I do more now.

Well, still not all,
but hey!
That's the whole point of my being here.
In 5 years, that's where I see myself.

So anyway, here's an excerpt from Wikipedia:

Maslow's self-actualizing characteristics

• Efficient perceptions of reality. Self-actualizers are able to judge situations correctly and honestly. They are very sensitive to the fake and dishonest, and are free to see reality 'as it is'.
• Comfortable acceptance of self, others, nature. Self-actualizers accept their own human nature with all its flaws. The shortcomings of others and the contradictions of the human condition are accepted with humor and tolerance.
• Reliant on own experiences and judgement. Independent, not reliant on culture and environment to form opinions and views
• Spontaneous and natural. True to oneself, rather than being how others want
• Task centering. Most of Maslow's subjects had a mission to fulfill in life or some task or problem ‘beyond’ themselves (instead of outside of themselves) to pursue. Humanitarians such as Albert Schweitzer and Mother Teresa are considered to have possessed this quality.
• Autonomy. Self-actualizers are free from reliance on external authorities or other people. They tend to be resourceful and independent.
• Continued freshness of appreciation. The self-actualizer seems to constantly renew appreciation of life's basic goods. A sunset or a flower will be experienced as intensely time after time as it was at first. There is an "innocence of vision", like that of an artist or child.
• Profound interpersonal relationships. The interpersonal relationships of self-actualizers are marked by deep loving bonds.
• Comfort with solitude. Despite their satisfying relationships with others, self-actualizing persons value solitude and are comfortable being alone.^[18]
• Non-hostile sense of humor. This refers to the ability to laugh at oneself.
• Peak experiences. All of Maslow's subjects reported the frequent occurrence of peak experiences (temporary moments of self-actualization). These occasions were marked by feelings of ecstasy, harmony, and deep meaning. Self-actualizers reported feeling at one with the universe, stronger and calmer than ever before, filled with light, beautiful and good, and so forth.
• Socially compassionate. Possessing humanity
• Few friends. Few close intimate friends rather than many surface relationships

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-actualization)

Right now, the most evident one would be comfort with solitude.

Sure, I love a good laugh,

I love good company,

and God knows I love a deep, meaningful conversations,

but most of all, I love being by myself.

Thinking.

And the best way to think and to reflect,

without anyone around,

is to pen my thoughts down.

I know, 

Ironic.

But that's just me.

I feel I think better when I write it down.

It slows the train of thought in my head (pun intended).

If not, I'd have a bullet train of thoughts that I can't catch and before you know it,

I don't remember what I was thinking about in the first place.

Anyway, I was going to name my blog self-actualizer/ self-actualizing/ self-actualization,

but no..

everything was taken.

And then I thought,

what is it that I'm known for,

that no one else I know has.

And then it hit me.

The Old Man and his Son always say that I have a "99 nature".

It's a direct translation of the Indonesian phrase "Sifat 99".

Until now, I don't really know what it means,

but all I know is that they're trying to stop me,

because apparently people who have this "nature",

who can't control their thoughts,

go crazy.

Obviously, one of the characteristics of this "nature" is being curious.

"So what if they don't become crazy?"

I asked,

"What if they find a way to control it?"

and the answer was obvious,

"Those who do, achieve enlightenment, they understand why things happen,

and most importantly, accept".

Now, the Old Man is plenty wise,

but he told his Son that there are times when he can't even answer my questions,

and then it became clear to me why I was never satisfied with anybody's answer except my own.

Hence, the name.

The story is,

I never really did accept the fact that they wanted to stop me from thinking,

I know it's for my own good,

but that's just the same as stopping me from being me.

And God knows what happens when people do that.

So, my next question to them is:
"What's so bad about it?

If I stop, I'll just be lying to myself,

and if I can't, I'll just go crazy.

But going crazy is not my biggest fear,

my biggest fear,

is not knowing,

and therefore I MUST try."

And that, is my long-ass version of Maslow's "What a (Wo)Man Can Do, (S)he Must Do".